One of my biggest personal accomplishments over these past few years was learning to let go. I’ve always been harder on myself than anyone else could be. Therefore when I “mess up” I’ve always been the one to beat up on myself to the point of slight masochism. I just had a really hard time of moving past mistakes.
I had a particularly hard situation I got myself into a few years back that for months that I just killed myself over. I told myself I was the lowest of the low…that I was a piece of crap for what I’d done and that I obviously deserved whatever bad would come to me because SURELY a worthy person would not have gotten themselves into the mess I had. But as the saying goes, there’s always a silver lining if you look for it. My silver lining was I was pulled back into church. Not exactly for absolution, but to change my focus…to realize I wasn’t that situation….it was just a situation. And I learned how to forgive myself, move past it and stop lifting foolishness up higher than the real stuff that mattered. I grabbed my proverbial balls and said “pardon my back” to the bs and never looked back once.
Fast forward.
The bad thing about getting into “situations” is that usually you’re not in them alone. There’s usually someone else involved, and while you may move on- they may not. And so today, I’m dealing with residue of another’s incapacity to move on. I’m dealing with someone else throwing wrenches into my current peace. I cannot appreciate that. I consider myself an evolved person, so I can’t (well, I CAN and I WANT TO) go back to how I’d react before. I’m reaaaaaallllllllly trying to stay on a particular path. But dammit….it sucks to take the higher road sometimes. The old me would go IN! The old me would actually not get mad, but get even. Perhaps 10-fold (I am a Scorpio!) And the old me could easily slip back into those feelings of unworthiness. That shit’s really trying to creep up on me, too. But we won’t do that. I’m gonna fight that one.
Giving someone power to affect your shit is the worst. It’s seriously a dead end road to let someone have the reins over your emotions. I’m no good at it…it makes me wanna attack. But I have changed. I have changed. I have changed. Right?
Man…my heart is heavy. I still am not fully grasping the magnitude of the earthquake in Haiti, but after seeing some pictures, and knowing how things were already, I….just really don’t have many words. My thoughts and prayers are definitely over there. I may not be able to do much, but I WILL do something!
Posted: January 12, 2010 at 6:08 pm | Tags: omarion, touch
Seeing Omarion on 106th & Park reminded me of how much I loooooooved this song/video. Dammit, man! I so want him to win! Great dancing+Pharrell on the track+infectious song= AMylahFave. Plus the girl, Danielle, kills. (She’s danced for and choreographed Beyonce for Chrissakes.)
Tonight when I left the studio, I stopped by McDonald’s to get a lil snack. Since I’m trying to back back off the french fries, I decided to get a Fruit & Walnut Salad and a hot chocolate as my “treat.” When I got to the window, the guy asked me what my order was, I told him, and he just shrugged and handed me two bags. In one, there was the fruit salad. In the other, a large fry and a double cheeseburger. Now since I’m completely off the chicken, beef and pork, I wasn’t gonna even entertain the burger. But those friiiiiies….maine! I ate a few (lol). I debated on tossing the whole bag because I DON’T NEED IT! But I hate wasting.
I was still trying to think what to do with the food, when I came up on a church near the house. There was a man sitting in the parking lot-bundled up, hood on…what appeared to be all his worldly possessions surrounding him and the lawn chair he was sitting on. He had a little radio on some of his stuff and it looked like he was rocking back and forth, probably to keep warm. I wanted to stop, but thought it might not be the safest thing I could do. After all, it WAS about 1am, no one was around, it was dark, and this dude could be crazy. So I kept driving. I parked the car and sat there for about 45 seconds before I started my car back up. I simply couldn’t go into a warm house, with some food I didn’t want, need, or even pay for, when there was someone 30 seconds away from me freezing and probably hungry.
I went back, praying that the man wouldn’t think I was threatening him and his space. I rolled down my window and politely said, “Sir, I have some hot chocolate and food if you’d like it.”
He didn’t even have words for a couple seconds.
I got out of my car and as I walked towards him he said, “Now should I thank you or…” and he started tearing up. I said, “I guess we can both just thank God…I’m thankful that I am able to do something for you.” Then he just kept thanking me over and over again. I smiled and hurried back in my car, because at that point, I was crying.
Long story short, WHAT IN THE WORLD DO I (and most of you) HAVE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT?!?!?!? You’re on a computer, I’m sure in a warm place, reading this blog. You have shelter. You have food…even if it is the same thing everyday. When you want to get cleaned up, you go into a shower with warm water and you put on clean clothes afterwards. Most of us have a job to go to. I could go on and on. Tonight reminded me of how insanely blessed I am and that when I think it’s rough and cold in the world, I don’t really know what cold and tough is! I’ve never had to sleep outside. Even when I had no real address, I had friends and family. This man appeared to have very little except the clothes on his back and the breath in his lungs. I saw a much bigger picture. And my ish became smaller. My heart truly ached for that man and all the people like him.
There’s so much more going on. Thank you God for the reminder.
Posted: January 7, 2010 at 4:29 pm | Tags: keke wyatt
Babyface. Janet. Michael Jackson. All from Indiana And soon my name will be on that list of great musical figures from Indiana (lol). Another great singer from my hometown is Keke Wyatt. She’s been away from the scene for a little bit, but here she is with a new single titled “Who Knew.” I’ll have to do a little research to see what is up with her project, but you can enjoy the video now.
Posted: January 5, 2010 at 1:11 am | Tags: happy birthday
Today is the birthday of my homie, my fellow Bella & my TWINNNY TWINN TWIN, Crystal! Yep, how many times have we been mistaken for each other here in Atlanta?! Lol. Have a ball, Bella and I love ya!
