Hey u, get off my cloud
Posted: January 14, 2010 at 1:28 pm
One of my biggest personal accomplishments over these past few years was learning to let go. I’ve always been harder on myself than anyone else could be. Therefore when I “mess up” I’ve always been the one to beat up on myself to the point of slight masochism. I just had a really hard time of moving past mistakes.
I had a particularly hard situation I got myself into a few years back that for months that I just killed myself over. I told myself I was the lowest of the low…that I was a piece of crap for what I’d done and that I obviously deserved whatever bad would come to me because SURELY a worthy person would not have gotten themselves into the mess I had. But as the saying goes, there’s always a silver lining if you look for it. My silver lining was I was pulled back into church. Not exactly for absolution, but to change my focus…to realize I wasn’t that situation….it was just a situation. And I learned how to forgive myself, move past it and stop lifting foolishness up higher than the real stuff that mattered. I grabbed my proverbial balls and said “pardon my back” to the bs and never looked back once.
Fast forward.
The bad thing about getting into “situations” is that usually you’re not in them alone. There’s usually someone else involved, and while you may move on- they may not. And so today, I’m dealing with residue of another’s incapacity to move on. I’m dealing with someone else throwing wrenches into my current peace. I cannot appreciate that. I consider myself an evolved person, so I can’t (well, I CAN and I WANT TO) go back to how I’d react before. I’m reaaaaaallllllllly trying to stay on a particular path. But dammit….it sucks to take the higher road sometimes. The old me would go IN! The old me would actually not get mad, but get even. Perhaps 10-fold (I am a Scorpio!) And the old me could easily slip back into those feelings of unworthiness. That shit’s really trying to creep up on me, too. But we won’t do that. I’m gonna fight that one.
Giving someone power to affect your shit is the worst. It’s seriously a dead end road to let someone have the reins over your emotions. I’m no good at it…it makes me wanna attack. But I have changed. I have changed. I have changed. Right?
Can’t we all just get evolved?!?!?!
